Relationship Skills: Stop the Four Horsemen (Gottman Institute, Inc.)

One of the skills most (if not all) couples want to build is their ability to communicate with one another. There are couples who read about ways to build their communication skills online or in books and can do so on their own, while many other couples work on these skills with the help of a counsellor. Learning how to stop the “Four Horsemen” when communicating is very important. The Four Horsemen is a term coined by therapists, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman. (www.gottman.com)

The Four Horsemen of communication in relationships are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.

Criticism involves statements like, “You” did something wrong. For example, “You are so forgetful, you forgot to empty the dishwasher again.”. The antidote for this is referred to a Gentle Start Up which involves focusing on “I” statements. This begins with “I feel angry”, followed by the why, “because the dishwasher is not emptied”, followed by the need, “I find it so helpful when this is already done.”

Defensiveness involves not acknowledging having any part to play in the issue at hand and deflecting this to the partner. For example, “The dishwasher has not been emptied yet,” is responded to with “You did not empty it last night”. The antidote for this is taking responsibility. For example, “I did not do that; I will try to remember next time.”

Contempt involves making statements from a position of feeling better than or superior. For example, “You are thoughtless.” The antidote is to acknowledge your feelings and describe what you need.  For example, “I feel hurt I was not included in the conversation at dinner, I need to be given the chance to share my thoughts.” To help you do so, think about your partner’s positive characteristics.

Stonewalling is an emotional withdrawal from the other, for example, ignoring or being inattentive during a discussion. The antidote for this is to practice self-soothing to manage difficult emotions that contribute to stonewalling. One example of a self-soothing skill is to practice deep breathing to help the breath move from shallow and rapid to deep and regular. This helps to calm the body and brain which allows you to be able to focus, listen and productively problem solve the issue.

All relationships move through difficult and positive periods of time and communication skills are essential throughout the high and low periods. Building ways to communicate using Gentle Start Up, Taking Responsibility, Describing Your Own Feelings and Needs and Self-Soothing benefits everyone.

www.gottman.com