Grief & Loss

Grief and loss feel like a lonely experience, but you are not alone.  

Grief is something everyone experiences at some point. Grief involves powerful emotions and feelings that do not have clear start or end dates. Grief involves profound feelings including denial (shock), anger, bargaining, depression (sadness, low energy, low mood, feeling numb) and acceptance as outlined in literature (Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle). Acceptance of a loss does not mean you are “okay” with the loss, it means you are able to function after this change. Taking care of yourself through rest, nutrition, allowing emotions, talking to others and attempting to return to routines at home and outside of the home can help you through the healing process.

When I refer to grief and loss, I immediately think of experiencing the death of loved ones. For myself this includes people and pets. Grief is also experienced when life circumstances change, for example through separation, divorce, children leaving home, job changes and moving. All circumstances are unique and so is our emotional and physical ability to move through these experiences. Members of the same family, friendship and other relationship circles experience, respond to and cope with loss differently. There may be similarities, but we are all unique and how we respond to and cope with grief. This can not be scripted or scheduled. In my experience I have not experienced a clear, straight line or circle moving through the grief stages (also referred to as a cycle). See image below as an example:

There is a tendency for us to evaluate how we are responding such as through questioning ‘are we coping well or not?’ It is fair to evaluate how we are doing as we should care for ourselves and for those around us and there are ways to explore the answer to this that can be more helpful that others. This is important because how we care for ourselves and show care for others through loss helps with healing. An example of this includes being aware of our emotional state with awareness versus evaluation i.e. “this is still so difficult”. The evaluating question to try to avoid dwelling on is “why am I not over this yet?”. The same applies for others trying to support someone who is grieving by acknowledging with them “this is still so difficult” versus questioning “why aren’t you over this yet?”. Grief is difficult. Try not to focus on taking care of yourself and others through this difficult time. Grief is painful and it makes sense we want to rush through this pain or try to move around it. Moving through strong feelings of grief can take a short or a long time. Be prepared for the strong feelings to emerge any time after a loss as the experience of grief is lifelong. This is not a set back; it is a part of healing. Stay connected to your memories, honour them, share them with others through conversations and talk about your feelings. Connection with others is therapeutic and if you are feeling stuck I encourage you to try counselling. You are not alone.